Probe: Starbucks Whistleblower Reveals Increasingly Long Drink Orders Actually an Attempt to Trick Patrons into Summoning Ghargatuloth, Demon Prince of Tzeench into Reality.

We really should have seen this coming…..

In the wake of the enormous multi-headed demon currently wreaking havoc on campus, a whistleblower who will remain anonymous approached the Xaverian Weekly claiming to have information on its origins. 

Huddled by a window on the third floor of the library, struggling to maintain our balance as the tremors from the avian-headed Forger of Hells pummeling Mulroney building into oblivion with everyone inside shook the ground, she began to explain.

“So basically, we don’t make any coffee at Starbucks” she shouted over the noise. “The elaborate names of our drinks are actually spells, and when a customer riddles off each magic word in perfect succession, the drink is summoned from the great beyond to an area just out of his or her sight. We just grab it and hand it to them.” 

A small crack formed in the ceiling above us through which an ancient dust billowed, but for the sake of journalism I continued the interview. 

“Have you ever had the person working the counter ‘mishear your order?’ That just means your spell was weak and it failed to summon anything. Have you ever got the wrong order? Guess what, you must have mispronounced your Latin at the counter.”

“Eventually, the goal was to keep increasing the number of magic words required per order until one fateful student was skilled enough to cast the spell that summoned the Prince of a Thousand Faces, and it looks like that finally happened.”

At this point, the structural integrity of the library was failing, and chunks of concrete began to fall. Seeing as this was the case, we pushed over some terrified first years who looked to us for salvation but were ultimately in our way, and bolted for the doors. 

Regrouping, we dusted ourselves off in the atrium at the top of the science building, affording us a view of the colloquially named God of the Last Hunt just in time for him to sunder the library in two, destroying all life within. 

“I’m not sure how people never picked up on what was going on” our informant continued. “They are literally chanting Latin-esque words in quick succession to get their drink. Why else would the sizes be in Italian? We’re in Canada.” 

After writing down all she said I quickly wrapped up the interview and made my way to my car, which was luckily one of a few not crushed by flying debris. Unfortunately, however, I had forgotten that I’d spent my last $15 ordering a small water from Starbucks and wasn’t able to fill up on gas. I then got out of my car and ran to the safest place I could think of: the catacombs beneath St. Ninian’s Cathedral. Imagine my shock as I managed to barely escape them with my life after seeing what they beheld. Clothes tattered and mind fuzzied, I somehow was able to stumble my way to McDonald’s where for the price of a crisp high five and some pocket lint I procured an extra-large coffee, and was able to regain my senses.

As of now, Father Donald and Father Danny’s excommunication effort has seen minimal progress. Some on campus have suggested reforming the Sisters of St. Martha to reinforce our Chaplains, and there have even been murmurs of utilizing the nuclear option and calling Father Stan out of retirement to banish this Malignant Entity. However, critics argue that harnessing his spiritual power may result in the destruction of all known life, which could be seen as counterproductive. 

For updates on this situation, stay tuned in to the Xaverian Weekly.

The Curse of the Whale Bone

Every university has its share of weird superstitions, from rubbing John Harvard's feet, Penn State Ninny lion curse, to the University of Toronto's “King College Circle.” Yet somehow StFX has made things ten times weirder. Being located in a province with strong ties to the sea, whaling, and maritime history, students have often brought in a treasure trove of goods—sometimes for the worst.

Let me be your guide as we dive into a story as old as the ancient bricks of MacIssac Hall. Long before StFX stood as it does today, the shores of Nova Scotia were home to whalers who braved the restless Atlantic. One stormy night, as legend tells, a monstrous whale larger than any seen before washed up on the rocks near Antigonish, its body battered but its massive jawbone intact. The fishermen who found it dared not touch it, for the beast bore strange markings along its ribs as if carved by unseen hands. Among the trembles of his colleagues, one read aloud “BurMac4Evr.” The bone was taken to the university as a curiosity, a relic of the sea's power. But elders warned that the whale did not die naturally–that it had been cursed by the deep. Ever since its towering jawbone has stood on campus (except for that one incident, then later returned in 2017), a silent guardian of those who respect it and a harbinger of misfortune for those who do not.

Yet the tale doesn't stop here. Years later on the shores of Antigonish, a group of daring first year students, defiant of superstition laughed in the face of the infamous whalebone curse. On a crisp autumn night under the glow of the campus lamp posts, they linked arms and boldly marched through the towering jawbone, swearing that the legend was nothing but a myth. But as weeks passed their luck turned sour, failed exams, lost papers, and inexplicable misfortunes plagued them. One even swore that he was haunted by the ghostly moan of the ill-fated whale in his residence building.

Alas nobody believed him, not even his roommate. Another student pleaded to her CAs and even though they were obliged to listen they dismissed her nonsense and reported her to Res-Life. In an attempt to ease their worries, the students went to the Keating Centre to watch a hockey game. All was well until their classmates enthusiastically yelled what was called the “WHALEBONE CHANT.” Panicked and out of options the students flew out the doors and sought the wisdom of the oldest professor they could think of–Ed Carty. “Yes!” they exclaimed. “Surely he’ll know what to do.” He chuckled and said "Quaedam maledictiones non puniunt nisi ludibrio" (translated by more fortunate souls “Some curses don't punish until they are mocked”). If only they hadn't flunked his Latin midterm. “Curse you whalebone!” they said shaking their tiny first year fists. From that day forward students whisper the warning: walk through the whalebone and StFX may never let you leave.

Mark Carney Declares All Government Employees Must Delete Starbucks App From Their Phones

In the pursuit of economic austerity policies, Prime Minister Mark Carney declares that all government ministers must reduce their extraneous spending.

“Every penny counts, and if you think I shouldn’t talk to you before you had your coffee, just wait until you see me,” said the former Harvard hockey player. This comes after Carney cutting the Carbon Tax, which he has described in previous interviews as “divisive and unnecessary.”

This tax policy decision has blown over quite well with the majority of the Canadian citizens, but this most recent policy announcement has received some blow back from government employees. “This is, like, crazy,” said Bethany Smith, a low-level bureaucrat. “How else am I going to be able to skip the line in the morning? Does he expect me to wait like I’m, like, poor or something?”

Kyle Brown, Brittney’s jobless boyfriend who must accompany her to work so that their apartment’s drywall might remain intact, had this to say. “Like… uh… it blows for real, like for sure. Baby, can we go? I think it's weird you even replied to him when he talked to you. Give me your phone.”

This is but one one many people who have expressed concern. On an internet poll conducted by the Xaverian Weekly’s data analytics division, it was noticed that lower level Liberal Party bureaucrats accounted for 40% of the revenue garnered by Ottawa area Starbucks’, despite making up only 8% of the city’s youth population. Conversely, Conservative Party staffers tended to either have their live-in maids make it for them so that they could bring it to the office with them. The few NDP-land “castmembers” which responded/survived the election declared that they did not drink coffee, due to the beverage’s colonial history.

“It really makes you wonder how Carney will fare as a leader if he is reelected,” one artist-formerly-known-as-Twitter user commented. “If he’s willing to put the lower echelons of his own party under the knife like this, it makes you wonder how much he will support low-income Canadians.”

Leader of the NDP Jagmeet Singh had this to say regarding the announcement. “I’m just wondering how Mr. Carney thinks this will help the unionization efforts of Starbucks employees across the country. I mean, there’s not even a Minister of Labour to preemptively send them forced arbitration, while the NDP does nothing about the issue. I might actually have to advocate for the working-class, God forbid!”

The Xaverian reached out to Carney for comment, but a carrier-pigeon, which arrived two weeks after the original request, delivered a note which stated that the phonelines and electric-lights in Parliament were being removed as a cost saving measure.

BREAKING: Piper's Pub Statue Revealed to Be StFX President Andy Hakin During Brief but Iconic Scottish Modelling Career

ANTIGONISH, NS — A secret dossier obtained by The Xaverian Weekly shows that the towering bagpiper statue perched atop Piper’s Pub is none other than St.FX President Andy Hakin, captured during what’s now recognized as his “bloody successful” Scottish modeling career in the 80s.

“I always thought there was something oddly presidential about that statue,” said Piper’s bartender Sheila MacDonald, a longtime Piper’s bartender who insists she once heard the statue mutter, “Budget cuts are coming,” after the last call.“It’s like it’s saying, ‘Welcome to Piper’s, I just signed a memo.’”

Leaked photographs from the Kilt Life Quarterly archives confirm that a young Hakin graced multiple covers in the early 1990s under monikers like “The Brave Heartthrob,” and “Clad in Plaid.” One image shows Hakin sporting a majestic tartan, bagpipe in hand, eyes fixed on some distant horizon—presumably envisioning the glorious future of Nova Scotian higher education.

“Look at the statue’s face! That’s not just stoicism; it’s sheer administrative bravado,” commented local sculptor Hamish MacFadden. “He’s piping not just for Country Night, but for an entire institution,” MacFadden added, dabbing away a solitary, patriotic tear before giving a reverent salute.

When confronted with the images, President Hakin was walking through Coady Gardens, suspiciously decked out in full Highland regalia, and attempted to deny everything.“I’m just a normal, everyday professor type,” he said, clearing his throat and clutching his bagpipes like a kid caught sneaking cookies. “I don’t know how to pose… or pipe. That would be ridiculous.”

His denial quickly unraveled when a sudden gust of wind pried a magazine out of his satchel, revealing a glossy 1992 Bagpipe & Barrel Digest centerfold of Hakin in mid-twirl. Eyewitnesses claim he blushed and muttered under his breath, “Aye, the rumors are true.”

Moira MacMorran, an Antigonish tourism coordinator, practically glowed at the news: “This is the perfect brand synergy,” she said, come for the kilt, stay for the man!” she beamed, before humming what sounded suspiciously like Scotland the Brave.

Over at Piper’s, bar manager John MacDonald says they’re going all-in. “We’re launching ‘Hakin Heritage Night,’ featuring non-stop bagpipes, a new ‘Haggis Poutine Supreme,’ and a house cocktail called The Academic Advisor,” he explained, vigorously stirring a questionable liquid into a coffee mug. “It’s neat Scotch, but in a mug—so you can pretend you’re in a very serious meeting about campus wifi.”

As the shockwaves ripple through town, folks wonder: Does the statue stay? Should it go? Students like Fiona MacDonald vehemently oppose its removal. “We cannot remove the statue,” insisted Fiona, a first-year student who claims the sight of the stoic bagpiper is the only thing that motivates her to attend morning lectures. “It’s like a glorious stone sentinel smizing in a woolen skirt.” [here, smizing refers to smiling with your eyes]

Opponents argue that if it is indeed President Hakin, maybe the man should pony up for statue maintenance. But for now, the bagpiper remains perched atop Piper’s Pub, eyeing passersby as though reminding them that life’s too short to park without a price-gouged parking pass. 

If there’s one thing Antigonish has learned from this twist, it’s that behind every stern university email is a story of bagpipe pageantry. You simply cannot keep a determined Scot from bagpiping his way to glory, be it in a university President’s office or perched triumphantly on top of Piper’s Pub.

Town of Antigonish Reveals Clock Tower in Town Hall Actually Contains an Experimental and Volatile Anti-Air Defense System

In a press conference surrounding the economic impacts of the Trump tariffs, mayor Sean Cameron has revealed important details surrounding the implementation of the system.

“All of us on the Town Council thought it was very important for one of the bastions of Nova Scotian industry to have adequate defense capabilities during this very uncertain time,” Cameron said. “We have been in contact with Rheinmetall for quite some time, and we hope to continue this valuable working relationship in the future,” he continued.

Rheinmetall is one of Europe’s leading weapons manufacturers and is based out of Germany. No word was given regarding how Germany’s increased defense budget will affect the availability of missiles and rockets in Antigonish. Cameron went on to add that he welcomed dialogue between the United States and the town, so long as “the dialogue starts and ends with incredible acts of copious violence.”

Deputy Mayor Diane Roberts added a few comments at the end of the conference. “We can’t let those treacherous American apes take our land. It is time to show them and the world exactly what kind of damage our town can do to those that step to us. We’re King Von’s true disciples, no cap.”

Reactions from the townspeople have been mixed. Most have been in favour of the defense capabilities, but some wish the town would go one step further. “Preemptive strike is the way to go, for sure,” said one StFX philosophy professor. “It’s what Aristotle would do, and we really need to throw the table at them.” He began to say something else, but was chased away by wild coyotes before he could begin. One StFX student thinks the town should take the opposite approach. “Why don’t we all just chill out and smoke a little hash? I found a new couch to put beside my front porch, we could do it there.”

Another important figure also has thoughts on the matter. StFX President Andy Hakin has responded to the press-conference by stating that he would not have allocated so much of StFX’s monetary resources to the university’s own defense budget. “This seems like kind of a blindside,” Hakin stated. “We had always agreed there would be parity between the town’s and university’s defense spending, so now the university will need to increase its own spending so as to not break the agreement.” Hakin declared that funds formerly dedicated to stocking Kevin’s Corner, the university food-kitchen, would need to be reallocated. “Why do we even have a food-kitchen? Doesn’t that just encourage the poors to remain poor?” he said, wringing his hands with maniacal glee. Hakin refused to comment on Cameron’s suggestion that Schmidt-Cassegrain Telescope (SCT) found in the StFX Observatory be repurposed as a space-laser.

Breaking: Fanfiction Featuring Former Prime Minister Brian Mulroney and Quote: “Best Friends” Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher Found Among Mulroney’s Personal Effects

Over the last year, a team made up of faculty from StFX’s little known archeology department has been meticulously combing through new evidence found after a minor windstorm knocked out the power for the entirety of northern Nova Scotia. This was accompanied by a slight tremor, and due to the “pragmatic” design philosophy of Mulroney building, caused several load bearing walls to collapse. Luckily for those interested in Canadian political history, albeit less so for the 48 students and staff crushed to death by the falling debris, a smaller wall on the 5th floor also collapsed, revealing a mysterious crypt, previously uncaptured by the inquisitive eyes of the public.

After weeks of excavating only revealed such trivialities as the former Prime Minister’s detailed list of investments in Mexican auto manufacturing and a full-sized poster of Quebec with a large “X” drawn over it, archeologists began to lose hope for any kind of meaningful discovery.

However, in their hour of greatest need, one plucky professor finally stumbled upon something of significance, a notebook labelled “Brian’s Diary (DON’T TOUCH!!!)” The diary appeared to contain plausibly true stories in which Ronald Reagan, Margaret Thatcher, and Brian Mulroney were the protagonists.

“Everyone said we were like three peas in a pod” was the opening line, read to us by Dr. Doug Diggemup, the professor who located the notebook.

Passages included adventures both whimsical and fantastic, but of which some may be criticized for what are colloquially known as “mary-sueisms.” A good many references to the strength of the three world leaders’ friendship were made across the diary. One excerpt read that the trio were:

“(L)ike Holmes and Watson and Lestrade.”

Literature experts from StFX’s English department have determined from context that Mulroney was referring to himself as Lestrade.

An excerpt describing the three of them working together at the United Nations read:

“We were a classic trio, like Bonnie and Clyde and Doug, and Doug was maybe even more important than Bonnie because he was the one taking all the pictures.”

Interestingly, several passages in the notebook look as if to be describing instances of slights Mulroney feels to have suffered at the hands of the other two, but what appears to be residue from dried tears renders these pages illegible. The words “birthday” and “forgot” are solely identifiable, but purely because of their frequency of use.

The implications of this notebook on Canadian political history may be dubious, but Dr. Diggemup is certain that within these pages lie the key to finally making Quebec “take the hint” and go away.

Revenge of the Pencil Pushers: In Response to Increasing Blowback Against Exorbitant Salaries, Anonymous StFX Administrators Share Thoughts: Maybe the students are the bad guys?

After the release of an article published by the Xaverian Weekly that included the quote,

“StFX administrators’ salaries have risen by 108 percent since 2012, while faculty compensation has gone up by 16.5 percent over the same period, even though more students are enrolling,”

and various others, pointing out the rapidly growing salaries of those who set the salaries at StFX. A number of administrators who felt as if their good names were being tarnished reached out to give statements justifying their yearly profit of over double what the average Canadian makes.

“I just want to say right out the gate, some of the statistics given in the sunshine list article were taken very out of context,” noted a 34-year-old failed professor turned middle manager earning a yearly salary of $165,000.

“For example, the writer notes that that administrators’ salaries have increased 108% since 2012, but she fails to consider that the number of emails we have to send every day has increased by 110%, from 10 to 21. And that’s only on average. It makes sense that if our total amount of work doubles, so should our compensation.”

Another administrator whose honour was offended had this to say:

“Quite simply, the reason we demand these salaries is because we are uniquely qualified. I didn’t waste the best years of my life getting a Ph.D. in vocally imitating whale calls to have to sully myself with a job that provides value to this country. I’m only taking what I deserve. And by the way, a construction worker could never send 20-25 emails a day like I do. That’s why I make twice his salary.”

When asked about the rising costs to students attending StFX, and the fact that the university is already strapped for cash, another administrator countered with this:

“Honestly I wish those little twerps would pay more. And quite frankly, this school would be better off without any students at all. Everyone knows the point of this institution is to employ people to send emails. We need to focus on streamlining the business model and only keeping what’s most valuable. I would bet my entire $210,000 salary that not one student could look at one of my perfectly crafted emails and say that I didn’t deserve so much of their hard-earned money.”

The Xaverian Weekly was emailed exactly 29 individual statements, but with very little variation from those published above.

Just a day before this article was meant to be published, we received correspondence from an unlikely source.

Dr. Diggumup, a non-tenured assistant professor working with the StFX archeology department offered a statement in defense of administration salaries.

“My name is Dr. Diggemup, and many of you Xaverian Weekly readers may not know me. You could say I’m a bit underground. For many years, I’ve moonlighted as Professor Putemdown, part-time pet euthanizer for hire. If you don’t know me, you might know my cousin, Professor Puteminpound, who is a dog catcher. Euthanizing beloved family pets was never my passion, and the children’s tears that accompany doing a good job but having read the wrong address on the email (I have dyslexia) are always hard. I only took up this gig to cover rent, because my assistant professor salary doesn’t cut it.”

“That being said, it warms my heart to know that those doing the most important jobs don’t have to struggle like I do. I’m glad that the heroes on the front lines of Microsoft Outlook will never have to look into a child’s eyes and explain that their beloved Fido didn’t do anything wrong, he just had the misfortune of living at a house number that looked (EXACTLY!!!) like the one I needed to go to. At the end of the day, it gives me comfort.”

We deliberated whether to add his testimony to this article or not, but the consensus among XW staff was that it was too powerful not to share.

Bombshell: Copy of Xaverian Weekly Open to Mark Mercer Article Spotted in the Background of Andy Hakin’s Presidential Portrait

What was originally an interesting piece of scandalous of gossip has now been corroborated with witness testimony.

One lazy evening over reading week a student who wishes to remain anonymous was browsing St.FX’s website, innocently looking for pictures of Dr. Szlachta to frame and put on his wall, when he found something that shook him to his very core. While perusing faculty profiles, a previously overlooked detail in Dr. Hakin’s profile picture caught his eye.

This is our interview with him.

“I thought I saw the familiar colour scheme of the Xaverian Weekly on his desk in the background” he explained wearily. “‘A supporter of student journalism!’ I exclaimed. Little did I know just how much what I found would reveal about our revered President.”

“Looking carefully, I managed to make out the words ‘facts’ and ‘feelings’ on the paper. Already I felt sick to my stomach. I would know that title anywhere. It haunts my every waking moment, although sleep offers no respite. It was the Mark Mercer article, but I shudder even saying his name.”

“Immediately, I called student services, something had to be done, but all I received over the line were inane platitudes. When I checked the website later that night, the picture was gone, like it was never there at all.”

“I didn’t know what to do. I contacted local media, but no one would believe me. I tried crying out from the street corners, but the management at Starbucks told me to stop loitering because I was making their customers feel uncomfortable. I was out of options and out of ideas. That led me to you.”

Quite frankly, we at the Xaverian Weekly were just as appalled as our unnamed hero was, so we got in touch with Dr. Hakin ourselves to set the record straight.

His statement was transcribed to the best of our ability below.

“Th' idea that ah wid ever read sic horrendous material is preposterous, 'n' th' implication that ah support free speech is equally sae, I don’t keek lik' a nazi, dae ah?”

We have determined that his position is unknowable.

Green Blinds the Eyes: A Parking Lot Story

Xaverians, start your engines 

After years of planning, the Victor and Mona Dahdaleh Institute for Innovation in Health was set to break ground in the upcoming weeks. However, in a shocking twist StFX administrators have changed plans. In which they reveal the new direction the university aims to take. Below is the press statement released: 

“After reflection, we realized that a university does not need more learning spaces, grass, or walkable areas, instead it needs more places to park cars. We are calling this initiative ‘Less Grass, More Gas’ and there is nowhere better to start than paving over one of our few remaining fields! That is why we are happy to announce, that the Victor and Mona Dahdaleh Institute for Innovation in Health is being redesigned and renamed to ‘Parking Lot P20 Institute for Innovation in Parking!’” 

In fine print below the article, a line read “this is totally not because of budget cuts.” However, financial experts in Antigonish are not buying it for a second. Some are pointing out that the $15 million dollar building, is now only going to cost an estimated $250,000. One scholar, who asked to remain anonymous, stated “The only greenery that StFX cares about is money. They’re pocketing over $14 million; I wouldn’t be surprised if they find a way to raise parking pass prices even with more supply.” Somehow breaking all economic laws of supply and demand. 

A 6th year, River Lily, has been vocal in opposition to the construction of the parking lot. Quote: “I have been here a long time, and never once thought campus needed more parking, but instead more greenery. This is almost as bad as the town bike lane beside Coady.” And the majority of students seem to be on her side, though some are less environmentally concerned, stating “another parking lot is just another opportunity for me to get a parking ticket.”  

Some students however are in favour of another parking lot with student Ash Fault stating: “I admire the university’s ability to try something new. I came to StFX because of how many parking lots they already had (19), and the addition of another one makes me even happier to call this place home!” Though their inclination to parking lots is not surprising, after he founded the parking lot club back in 2019, with the mission statement: ‘c’mon one more!’  

Overlooking the project is Otto Mabile, who is frequently referred to as ‘the Mozart of asphalt.’ He is known for the designing of the West Edmonton Mall parking lot, said to be the biggest in the world. He pays extra attention to the ratio of yellow to white lines, making him quite the eccentric parking lot designer. We reached out to Mabile to get the inside scoop of this new project: 

“I plan to take inspiration from how empty and soulless Mulroney’s architectural design is and apply it to the parking lot. I really admire the university’s pursuit of a less-walkable campus, and I think a large parking lot will help achieve that goal. I think that a drive-thru style classroom is the next big idea I am going to pitch, but we will have to wait and see.” 

So, there you have it, Xaverians, a “Less Grass, More Gas” era has come to StFX. Do you welcome the asphalt, or are you more keen on the green?