Revenge of the Pencil Pushers: In Response to Increasing Blowback Against Exorbitant Salaries, Anonymous StFX Administrators Share Thoughts: Maybe the students are the bad guys?

After the release of an article published by the Xaverian Weekly that included the quote,

“StFX administrators’ salaries have risen by 108 percent since 2012, while faculty compensation has gone up by 16.5 percent over the same period, even though more students are enrolling,”

and various others, pointing out the rapidly growing salaries of those who set the salaries at StFX. A number of administrators who felt as if their good names were being tarnished reached out to give statements justifying their yearly profit of over double what the average Canadian makes.

“I just want to say right out the gate, some of the statistics given in the sunshine list article were taken very out of context,” noted a 34-year-old failed professor turned middle manager earning a yearly salary of $165,000.

“For example, the writer notes that that administrators’ salaries have increased 108% since 2012, but she fails to consider that the number of emails we have to send every day has increased by 110%, from 10 to 21. And that’s only on average. It makes sense that if our total amount of work doubles, so should our compensation.”

Another administrator whose honour was offended had this to say:

“Quite simply, the reason we demand these salaries is because we are uniquely qualified. I didn’t waste the best years of my life getting a Ph.D. in vocally imitating whale calls to have to sully myself with a job that provides value to this country. I’m only taking what I deserve. And by the way, a construction worker could never send 20-25 emails a day like I do. That’s why I make twice his salary.”

When asked about the rising costs to students attending StFX, and the fact that the university is already strapped for cash, another administrator countered with this:

“Honestly I wish those little twerps would pay more. And quite frankly, this school would be better off without any students at all. Everyone knows the point of this institution is to employ people to send emails. We need to focus on streamlining the business model and only keeping what’s most valuable. I would bet my entire $210,000 salary that not one student could look at one of my perfectly crafted emails and say that I didn’t deserve so much of their hard-earned money.”

The Xaverian Weekly was emailed exactly 29 individual statements, but with very little variation from those published above.

Just a day before this article was meant to be published, we received correspondence from an unlikely source.

Dr. Diggumup, a non-tenured assistant professor working with the StFX archeology department offered a statement in defense of administration salaries.

“My name is Dr. Diggemup, and many of you Xaverian Weekly readers may not know me. You could say I’m a bit underground. For many years, I’ve moonlighted as Professor Putemdown, part-time pet euthanizer for hire. If you don’t know me, you might know my cousin, Professor Puteminpound, who is a dog catcher. Euthanizing beloved family pets was never my passion, and the children’s tears that accompany doing a good job but having read the wrong address on the email (I have dyslexia) are always hard. I only took up this gig to cover rent, because my assistant professor salary doesn’t cut it.”

“That being said, it warms my heart to know that those doing the most important jobs don’t have to struggle like I do. I’m glad that the heroes on the front lines of Microsoft Outlook will never have to look into a child’s eyes and explain that their beloved Fido didn’t do anything wrong, he just had the misfortune of living at a house number that looked (EXACTLY!!!) like the one I needed to go to. At the end of the day, it gives me comfort.”

We deliberated whether to add his testimony to this article or not, but the consensus among XW staff was that it was too powerful not to share.