Mark Carney Declares All Government Employees Must Delete Starbucks App From Their Phones

In the pursuit of economic austerity policies, Prime Minister Mark Carney declares that all government ministers must reduce their extraneous spending.

“Every penny counts, and if you think I shouldn’t talk to you before you had your coffee, just wait until you see me,” said the former Harvard hockey player. This comes after Carney cutting the Carbon Tax, which he has described in previous interviews as “divisive and unnecessary.”

This tax policy decision has blown over quite well with the majority of the Canadian citizens, but this most recent policy announcement has received some blow back from government employees. “This is, like, crazy,” said Bethany Smith, a low-level bureaucrat. “How else am I going to be able to skip the line in the morning? Does he expect me to wait like I’m, like, poor or something?”

Kyle Brown, Brittney’s jobless boyfriend who must accompany her to work so that their apartment’s drywall might remain intact, had this to say. “Like… uh… it blows for real, like for sure. Baby, can we go? I think it's weird you even replied to him when he talked to you. Give me your phone.”

This is but one one many people who have expressed concern. On an internet poll conducted by the Xaverian Weekly’s data analytics division, it was noticed that lower level Liberal Party bureaucrats accounted for 40% of the revenue garnered by Ottawa area Starbucks’, despite making up only 8% of the city’s youth population. Conversely, Conservative Party staffers tended to either have their live-in maids make it for them so that they could bring it to the office with them. The few NDP-land “castmembers” which responded/survived the election declared that they did not drink coffee, due to the beverage’s colonial history.

“It really makes you wonder how Carney will fare as a leader if he is reelected,” one artist-formerly-known-as-Twitter user commented. “If he’s willing to put the lower echelons of his own party under the knife like this, it makes you wonder how much he will support low-income Canadians.”

Leader of the NDP Jagmeet Singh had this to say regarding the announcement. “I’m just wondering how Mr. Carney thinks this will help the unionization efforts of Starbucks employees across the country. I mean, there’s not even a Minister of Labour to preemptively send them forced arbitration, while the NDP does nothing about the issue. I might actually have to advocate for the working-class, God forbid!”

The Xaverian reached out to Carney for comment, but a carrier-pigeon, which arrived two weeks after the original request, delivered a note which stated that the phonelines and electric-lights in Parliament were being removed as a cost saving measure.

Town of Antigonish Reveals Clock Tower in Town Hall Actually Contains an Experimental and Volatile Anti-Air Defense System

In a press conference surrounding the economic impacts of the Trump tariffs, mayor Sean Cameron has revealed important details surrounding the implementation of the system.

“All of us on the Town Council thought it was very important for one of the bastions of Nova Scotian industry to have adequate defense capabilities during this very uncertain time,” Cameron said. “We have been in contact with Rheinmetall for quite some time, and we hope to continue this valuable working relationship in the future,” he continued.

Rheinmetall is one of Europe’s leading weapons manufacturers and is based out of Germany. No word was given regarding how Germany’s increased defense budget will affect the availability of missiles and rockets in Antigonish. Cameron went on to add that he welcomed dialogue between the United States and the town, so long as “the dialogue starts and ends with incredible acts of copious violence.”

Deputy Mayor Diane Roberts added a few comments at the end of the conference. “We can’t let those treacherous American apes take our land. It is time to show them and the world exactly what kind of damage our town can do to those that step to us. We’re King Von’s true disciples, no cap.”

Reactions from the townspeople have been mixed. Most have been in favour of the defense capabilities, but some wish the town would go one step further. “Preemptive strike is the way to go, for sure,” said one StFX philosophy professor. “It’s what Aristotle would do, and we really need to throw the table at them.” He began to say something else, but was chased away by wild coyotes before he could begin. One StFX student thinks the town should take the opposite approach. “Why don’t we all just chill out and smoke a little hash? I found a new couch to put beside my front porch, we could do it there.”

Another important figure also has thoughts on the matter. StFX President Andy Hakin has responded to the press-conference by stating that he would not have allocated so much of StFX’s monetary resources to the university’s own defense budget. “This seems like kind of a blindside,” Hakin stated. “We had always agreed there would be parity between the town’s and university’s defense spending, so now the university will need to increase its own spending so as to not break the agreement.” Hakin declared that funds formerly dedicated to stocking Kevin’s Corner, the university food-kitchen, would need to be reallocated. “Why do we even have a food-kitchen? Doesn’t that just encourage the poors to remain poor?” he said, wringing his hands with maniacal glee. Hakin refused to comment on Cameron’s suggestion that Schmidt-Cassegrain Telescope (SCT) found in the StFX Observatory be repurposed as a space-laser.