Mark Carney Declares All Government Employees Must Delete Starbucks App From Their Phones

In the pursuit of economic austerity policies, Prime Minister Mark Carney declares that all government ministers must reduce their extraneous spending.

“Every penny counts, and if you think I shouldn’t talk to you before you had your coffee, just wait until you see me,” said the former Harvard hockey player. This comes after Carney cutting the Carbon Tax, which he has described in previous interviews as “divisive and unnecessary.”

This tax policy decision has blown over quite well with the majority of the Canadian citizens, but this most recent policy announcement has received some blow back from government employees. “This is, like, crazy,” said Bethany Smith, a low-level bureaucrat. “How else am I going to be able to skip the line in the morning? Does he expect me to wait like I’m, like, poor or something?”

Kyle Brown, Brittney’s jobless boyfriend who must accompany her to work so that their apartment’s drywall might remain intact, had this to say. “Like… uh… it blows for real, like for sure. Baby, can we go? I think it's weird you even replied to him when he talked to you. Give me your phone.”

This is but one one many people who have expressed concern. On an internet poll conducted by the Xaverian Weekly’s data analytics division, it was noticed that lower level Liberal Party bureaucrats accounted for 40% of the revenue garnered by Ottawa area Starbucks’, despite making up only 8% of the city’s youth population. Conversely, Conservative Party staffers tended to either have their live-in maids make it for them so that they could bring it to the office with them. The few NDP-land “castmembers” which responded/survived the election declared that they did not drink coffee, due to the beverage’s colonial history.

“It really makes you wonder how Carney will fare as a leader if he is reelected,” one artist-formerly-known-as-Twitter user commented. “If he’s willing to put the lower echelons of his own party under the knife like this, it makes you wonder how much he will support low-income Canadians.”

Leader of the NDP Jagmeet Singh had this to say regarding the announcement. “I’m just wondering how Mr. Carney thinks this will help the unionization efforts of Starbucks employees across the country. I mean, there’s not even a Minister of Labour to preemptively send them forced arbitration, while the NDP does nothing about the issue. I might actually have to advocate for the working-class, God forbid!”

The Xaverian reached out to Carney for comment, but a carrier-pigeon, which arrived two weeks after the original request, delivered a note which stated that the phonelines and electric-lights in Parliament were being removed as a cost saving measure.