BREAKING: Piper's Pub Statue Revealed to Be StFX President Andy Hakin During Brief but Iconic Scottish Modelling Career

ANTIGONISH, NS — A secret dossier obtained by The Xaverian Weekly shows that the towering bagpiper statue perched atop Piper’s Pub is none other than St.FX President Andy Hakin, captured during what’s now recognized as his “bloody successful” Scottish modeling career in the 80s.

“I always thought there was something oddly presidential about that statue,” said Piper’s bartender Sheila MacDonald, a longtime Piper’s bartender who insists she once heard the statue mutter, “Budget cuts are coming,” after the last call.“It’s like it’s saying, ‘Welcome to Piper’s, I just signed a memo.’”

Leaked photographs from the Kilt Life Quarterly archives confirm that a young Hakin graced multiple covers in the early 1990s under monikers like “The Brave Heartthrob,” and “Clad in Plaid.” One image shows Hakin sporting a majestic tartan, bagpipe in hand, eyes fixed on some distant horizon—presumably envisioning the glorious future of Nova Scotian higher education.

“Look at the statue’s face! That’s not just stoicism; it’s sheer administrative bravado,” commented local sculptor Hamish MacFadden. “He’s piping not just for Country Night, but for an entire institution,” MacFadden added, dabbing away a solitary, patriotic tear before giving a reverent salute.

When confronted with the images, President Hakin was walking through Coady Gardens, suspiciously decked out in full Highland regalia, and attempted to deny everything.“I’m just a normal, everyday professor type,” he said, clearing his throat and clutching his bagpipes like a kid caught sneaking cookies. “I don’t know how to pose… or pipe. That would be ridiculous.”

His denial quickly unraveled when a sudden gust of wind pried a magazine out of his satchel, revealing a glossy 1992 Bagpipe & Barrel Digest centerfold of Hakin in mid-twirl. Eyewitnesses claim he blushed and muttered under his breath, “Aye, the rumors are true.”

Moira MacMorran, an Antigonish tourism coordinator, practically glowed at the news: “This is the perfect brand synergy,” she said, come for the kilt, stay for the man!” she beamed, before humming what sounded suspiciously like Scotland the Brave.

Over at Piper’s, bar manager John MacDonald says they’re going all-in. “We’re launching ‘Hakin Heritage Night,’ featuring non-stop bagpipes, a new ‘Haggis Poutine Supreme,’ and a house cocktail called The Academic Advisor,” he explained, vigorously stirring a questionable liquid into a coffee mug. “It’s neat Scotch, but in a mug—so you can pretend you’re in a very serious meeting about campus wifi.”

As the shockwaves ripple through town, folks wonder: Does the statue stay? Should it go? Students like Fiona MacDonald vehemently oppose its removal. “We cannot remove the statue,” insisted Fiona, a first-year student who claims the sight of the stoic bagpiper is the only thing that motivates her to attend morning lectures. “It’s like a glorious stone sentinel smizing in a woolen skirt.” [here, smizing refers to smiling with your eyes]

Opponents argue that if it is indeed President Hakin, maybe the man should pony up for statue maintenance. But for now, the bagpiper remains perched atop Piper’s Pub, eyeing passersby as though reminding them that life’s too short to park without a price-gouged parking pass. 

If there’s one thing Antigonish has learned from this twist, it’s that behind every stern university email is a story of bagpipe pageantry. You simply cannot keep a determined Scot from bagpiping his way to glory, be it in a university President’s office or perched triumphantly on top of Piper’s Pub.