Town of Antigonish Reveals Clock Tower in Town Hall Actually Contains an Experimental and Volatile Anti-Air Defense System
/In a press conference surrounding the economic impacts of the Trump tariffs, mayor Sean Cameron has revealed important details surrounding the implementation of the system.
“All of us on the Town Council thought it was very important for one of the bastions of Nova Scotian industry to have adequate defense capabilities during this very uncertain time,” Cameron said. “We have been in contact with Rheinmetall for quite some time, and we hope to continue this valuable working relationship in the future,” he continued.
Rheinmetall is one of Europe’s leading weapons manufacturers and is based out of Germany. No word was given regarding how Germany’s increased defense budget will affect the availability of missiles and rockets in Antigonish. Cameron went on to add that he welcomed dialogue between the United States and the town, so long as “the dialogue starts and ends with incredible acts of copious violence.”
Deputy Mayor Diane Roberts added a few comments at the end of the conference. “We can’t let those treacherous American apes take our land. It is time to show them and the world exactly what kind of damage our town can do to those that step to us. We’re King Von’s true disciples, no cap.”
Reactions from the townspeople have been mixed. Most have been in favour of the defense capabilities, but some wish the town would go one step further. “Preemptive strike is the way to go, for sure,” said one StFX philosophy professor. “It’s what Aristotle would do, and we really need to throw the table at them.” He began to say something else, but was chased away by wild coyotes before he could begin. One StFX student thinks the town should take the opposite approach. “Why don’t we all just chill out and smoke a little hash? I found a new couch to put beside my front porch, we could do it there.”
Another important figure also has thoughts on the matter. StFX President Andy Hakin has responded to the press-conference by stating that he would not have allocated so much of StFX’s monetary resources to the university’s own defense budget. “This seems like kind of a blindside,” Hakin stated. “We had always agreed there would be parity between the town’s and university’s defense spending, so now the university will need to increase its own spending so as to not break the agreement.” Hakin declared that funds formerly dedicated to stocking Kevin’s Corner, the university food-kitchen, would need to be reallocated. “Why do we even have a food-kitchen? Doesn’t that just encourage the poors to remain poor?” he said, wringing his hands with maniacal glee. Hakin refused to comment on Cameron’s suggestion that Schmidt-Cassegrain Telescope (SCT) found in the StFX Observatory be repurposed as a space-laser.
