Green Blinds the Eyes: A Parking Lot Story

Xaverians, start your engines 

After years of planning, the Victor and Mona Dahdaleh Institute for Innovation in Health was set to break ground in the upcoming weeks. However, in a shocking twist StFX administrators have changed plans. In which they reveal the new direction the university aims to take. Below is the press statement released: 

“After reflection, we realized that a university does not need more learning spaces, grass, or walkable areas, instead it needs more places to park cars. We are calling this initiative ‘Less Grass, More Gas’ and there is nowhere better to start than paving over one of our few remaining fields! That is why we are happy to announce, that the Victor and Mona Dahdaleh Institute for Innovation in Health is being redesigned and renamed to ‘Parking Lot P20 Institute for Innovation in Parking!’” 

In fine print below the article, a line read “this is totally not because of budget cuts.” However, financial experts in Antigonish are not buying it for a second. Some are pointing out that the $15 million dollar building, is now only going to cost an estimated $250,000. One scholar, who asked to remain anonymous, stated “The only greenery that StFX cares about is money. They’re pocketing over $14 million; I wouldn’t be surprised if they find a way to raise parking pass prices even with more supply.” Somehow breaking all economic laws of supply and demand. 

A 6th year, River Lily, has been vocal in opposition to the construction of the parking lot. Quote: “I have been here a long time, and never once thought campus needed more parking, but instead more greenery. This is almost as bad as the town bike lane beside Coady.” And the majority of students seem to be on her side, though some are less environmentally concerned, stating “another parking lot is just another opportunity for me to get a parking ticket.”  

Some students however are in favour of another parking lot with student Ash Fault stating: “I admire the university’s ability to try something new. I came to StFX because of how many parking lots they already had (19), and the addition of another one makes me even happier to call this place home!” Though their inclination to parking lots is not surprising, after he founded the parking lot club back in 2019, with the mission statement: ‘c’mon one more!’  

Overlooking the project is Otto Mabile, who is frequently referred to as ‘the Mozart of asphalt.’ He is known for the designing of the West Edmonton Mall parking lot, said to be the biggest in the world. He pays extra attention to the ratio of yellow to white lines, making him quite the eccentric parking lot designer. We reached out to Mabile to get the inside scoop of this new project: 

“I plan to take inspiration from how empty and soulless Mulroney’s architectural design is and apply it to the parking lot. I really admire the university’s pursuit of a less-walkable campus, and I think a large parking lot will help achieve that goal. I think that a drive-thru style classroom is the next big idea I am going to pitch, but we will have to wait and see.” 

So, there you have it, Xaverians, a “Less Grass, More Gas” era has come to StFX. Do you welcome the asphalt, or are you more keen on the green?