The Straight One

Short story

There is something eerie yet peaceful about cemeteries. Especially on a day like today. The air is crisp, and the leaves have started to turn colour like the ripening of an apple. The light is bouncing off the polished gravestones, and of course, my friend’s laughter is tickling my ears. I wonder if dead people throw parties? Do they mind having us on their graves? Do we have some ghosts just chilling beside us? I couldn’t tell ya, but I like to think so. 

 I plop myself down on the blanket, immediately there’s dirt on my jeans. 

“What’d I miss?” I ask. 

“We’re talking about our coming out stories.” Ruth says with a mouthful of rainbow chocolate chip cookies. 

They talk the way the wind blows, around me but not necessarily to me. Ruth goes on about how coming out is a continual constant. You never stop doing it. She’s still in the process of telling her family she’s pan. Before you make the joke, no pansexual doesn’t mean she’s attracted to pans it means she’s attracted to anyone, gender is thrown entirely out the window. She doesn’t admit it, but I totally think she likes women and non-binary people more than men. But, don’t tell her I said that. 

“Aw fuck!” Alice drops a cube of cheese on the ground.

She’s bi, not the same as pan but similar and, as she loves to tell everyone, she’s our local raging feminist. My ears twitch right in time to hear Alice say the most badass sentence, “I’m not straight enough for the straights or gay enough for the gays. I’m 100% gay and 100% straight.” Seriously Alice. Put that on a t-shirt. 

“Yass Queen, preach!”

There he is. My favourite guy, Sean. If you couldn’t tell from the “Yass Queen,” Sean’s gay. He’s sugar in black coffee. Sweet, yet strong and a total teddy bear. 

Then there’s me, Kali, the straight one. I adore these people. They are the embodiment of pure sunshine. They get pushed behind dark clouds and have to fight through leaves, but they always manage to shine. I wouldn’t say the same about me.  

“Helloooo, Kali. You still with us?” Alice snaps me back to earth.

“Yeah, yeah. what were you saying?”

“Remember we’re going out tonight. Meet at 7, our place.” Sean pipes up.

“Gotcha. I’ll be there. I’m not square.” I say with a wink and some major finger guns.

  It looks like the Tasmanian Devil just tore through my room. Slashes of red sequins, denim skirts, heavy wool, and black dresses are in every nook and cranny. There is nothing in my closet to wear. I know that sounds like the most melodramatic, stereotypical girl thing to say, but I mean it. Every sleeveless top shows the inflamed pimples on my shoulders. Every skirt makes my thighs look like jiggly tree trunks. Every crop top makes me look like a bloated pregnant woman. It’s horrifying. I knew I shouldn’t have eaten that bowl of cereal this morning. I see the scale in the corner, it’s begging me to step on just to laugh at me with the number. Just the thought of that number makes my stomach clench so much that a little vomit crawls up the back of my throat. 

I have to put something on, seriously, I can’t go out in my bra and underwear. That would be even worse. I go full Narnia and find a black halter top and a green button-up skirt in the back of my closet. It’s good enough.

I make my way to the bathroom even though it feels like I’m walking through tar. I look in the mirror, and all I see is an ugly, worthless girl, who doesn’t fit in anywhere. My nose is huge and round, and my cheeks are like chipmunks. I open my makeup bag and pick up my foundation brush. I start painting my skin, making it even. Mixing and blending colour after colour around my eyes, adding glitter, making their blueness pop. It’s like getting lost in living art. I contour out the hollows of my cheeks and the sides of my nose. I’m creating a miracle on my face. My nose is slim and cheeks defined. I love that about makeup, I can look however I want. Manipulate whatever I want. I finally get to be pretty. I lean in close to the mirror and apply the final touch. I carefully swipe on a terracotta red lipstick. I don’t like much about my face but, I can at least say, I have very sexy lips.

I rush out the door and into what appears to be a light show. The sun is setting, and the sky is a wash of rosy pinks and vibrant oranges. I love this time of day. Right when the day begins to turn night, almost as if the world is switching persona just like the rest of us. My heels click on the hard pavement. I can already feel my feet getting sore around the toes. This might be a very long night. I stand to wait for the walk symbol to come on and spot a cute guy on the other side of the road. Long hair, tight shirt, very Jim Morrison and totally my type. I make a mental note to find him in the club later. I finally cross the street and walk a little further and get to my friend’s front door. I just go in, there’s no need to knock. The house is a bundle of energy. Sean is in the kitchen mixing what appears to be Malibu and Coke. Ruth is fussing about the music, “Shut up and Dance” by Walk the Moon is bumping away.

“Has anyone seen my other earring?” Alice calls out while coming down the stairs. 

“Did you check the bathroom?” Sean yells back. 

“Oh, hey Kali. Yeah, Sean, I checked there.”

Holy shit. Alice looks great. She’s in a skintight, sky-blue dress. It shows every curve, from her rounded shoulders to her firm thighs. She’s like the Goddess Venus just stepped out of a painting, round and soft. Wait, what am I thinking? I’ve never had such a thought about a girl, sure as hell not Alice. I think I need a drink. 

We pregame hard. The drinks are flowing almost as much as the laughter is. Sean keeps bringing us drink after drink. I swear that boy thinks he’s a professional bartender. We’re up dancing on the couches, the room is swirling with pure, unadulterated joy. I don’t know how the club could be any better than this. 

“We should get going if we want to get in, it’s getting late,” Ruth says. I look at my phone, it’s 11:30. The time has just slipped away, I guess that’s what happens when you’re having fun. We stuff some money and our ID’s into our bras and head out the door. The club is literally a block away, so I won’t bore you with the details of the walk. Long story short, we giggled a lot and stumbled even more. 

The club is going ham. The music is blaring, the bass is going like a hammer pounding a nail. “Anyone want shots?” I scream over the music, but my friends can barely hear me. They all throw their hands in the air which I guess means yes. The bar is swarming with people. Sean goes to the bar, throws some hardcore elbows and manages to get through while the rest of us go grab a table. I look out at the dance floor and it’s just a sea of people. I bet if there wasn’t any music, they wouldn’t look like they were dancing and look more like skankily dressed potatoes fighting.  

A few minutes later Sean comes over with four hot pink shots. Leave it to Sean to be utterly extra and utterly predictable. I count down “One, two, three, GO!” We all down our shots and immediately get twisted expressions on our faces. That was like biting into a lemon. Ruth shoots up, grabs my hand and pulls me onto the dance floor. Everyone else follows suit, and we join the mass of fighting potatoes. Something catches my eye. It’s Alice’s hair. It’s shining as the strobe lights pass over and bounce along with the beat of the music, just like Alice. Something is pulling me closer and closer to her. I’m all of a sudden stone cold sober. I just so badly want to be near her. She’s smiling, and it’s radiant. My heart’s pounding and our eyes meet. I just go for it. I kiss her. She kisses me back. The music fades into the background. The whole world seems to stand still. Her lips are soft and tender, and she kinda tastes like cherries. It feels so right. Then boom; it hits me like a brick wall. I pull away. Everything floods back. The music is deafening. I look around at my friends, and they’re dumbfounded. They look like someone just killed a cat in front of them or something. My heart’s racing and not in a good way. My hands are shaking like a baby’s rattle, and my breath is stuck in my lungs. I have to get out of here. I can’t stay. I need out. Then I’m running. Running. I’m freezing to death and burning alive at the same time. The streets become a blur, and somehow, I’m home. 

I’m standing in front of my mirror and still shaking beyond belief. Get a hold of yourself, Kali. Don’t be such a wimp. I splash cold water on my face. I don’t recognize the girl staring back. Her face is dripping with black mascara. Her lipstick is smeared at the edges. I reach for my makeup wipes, slowly pulling one out of the container. Breathing heavy I rub at my eye, it stings a bit. Then I do the other eye and finally my lips. Barefaced with slightly stained lips I see myself. For the first time, I really see myself. My breathing has slowed down, and I’m still. Really still. But, I’m the straight one. I can’t be… I… maybe I’m not so different after all. Maybe.… maybe. Am I gay?  

Bre O’Handley Interview

Gender and Sexual Diversity Advisor

Bre O’Handley was interviewed by Addy Strickland on January 26, 2019.

O’Handley is a StFX graduate from Guysborough, Nova Scotia with a B.Sc. Honours in Psychology.

A paper based on her Honours thesis research was published online by Psychology and Sexuality on May 22, 2017. 

O’Handley is the Gender and Sexual Diversity Advisor at StFX. Her goal is to create a queer community that is celebrated.

***

AS: Can you give me a little bit of history on pride at StFX?

BO: Chris Frazer would probably be the person to go to when it comes to Pride at StFX! I started as a student at X in 2012, and while I remember Pride Week happening each year and there always being a Pride Week issue of the Xaverian, I actually wasn’t very involved as a student with the happenings of Pride during my undergrad! Chris Frazer has been at StFX since 2004 and has really been the person to spearhead much of what now happens as Pride Month at X, along with the help of the X Pride student society of course! Chris spent about 15 years working as the LGBTQ advisor on a volunteer basis, my position, of the Gender and Sexual Diversity Advisor at StFX, was just created in 2017. Before then, different faculty members, particularly Dr. Chris Frazer and Dr. Rachel Hurst, did the heavy lifting when it came to supporting LGBTQ+ issues and students at StFX!

AS: Have you noticed any changes in what pride month looks like since you started working here?

BO: Absolutely! As I mentioned above, before my position was created Pride happened every year, but often took the form of “Pride Week.” One of my main goals my first year on the job was to expand that into a Pride Month, so 2018 was the first time (to my knowledge) that StFX had a full month of Pride events! In the past, when it was Pride Week, many of the events were primarily student centred and happened at the Inn, which was a fantastic way to celebrate! But now that we have a whole month to jampack with events, X Pride and I have been able to organize quite a variety of events. We kick off the month with the Pride Flag Raising, as a way to think about how far the queer community here at X, and everywhere, has come but also to acknowledge how far we have to go. Then the month is peppered with engagements like lectures, panels, coffeehouses, film screenings, games nights, LGBTQ+ inclusive church services, Sex Toy Bingo and we always finish off with the always incredible Priscilla: Queen of the Highlands drag show.

Photo: X-Pride

 AS: Why is pride month so important? What does pride month do for the StFX and Antigonish community?

BO: Pride Month is important anywhere, but especially on the StFX campus because the campus climate here is so heteronormative and cis-normative. During my time as an undergrad, I found it really hard to find the LGBTQ+ community at StFX and really wish that I had had more of that support as a student. When you’re LGBTQ+ at StFX, a school that does still lack diversity and has a long history of homophobia, in part due to the rural context, it’s easy to feel like an outsider. While I met so many incredible people and learned so much during my time as an undergrad, it always felt like I was missing something when it came to engaging with and celebrating my queer identity. Having a month where we celebrate and actively engage in queer culture is so important for LGBTQ+ students, staff and faculty as it sends a signal that we’re here, we’re queer and everyone else is going to have to get used to it. I think Pride Month also offers a space to the Antigonish community of LGBTQ+ folks. While I will admit that our events are mostly catered towards StFX students, staff and faculty, community members are always very welcome at any of the events that X Pride and I host and we love to have community members come and engage with us! Again, the rural context of Antigonish can make for a difficult time as a queer person, as there is still homophobia, biphobia and transphobia on this campus and in this town, and not as many resources as you would find in a place like Halifax.

AS: There have been so many great events this month - do you have a favourite? Why?

BO: I think my favorite new event this Pride Month would have to be the What I Love About Being Queer film screening and panel discussion. I first discovered the What I Love About Being Queer book and film by Vivek Shraya last year when I was shopping for resources for my office at Venus Envy in Halifax. I had never seen a book like it before and instantly knew I needed to have it in my office. The purpose of What I Love About Being Queer is to focus on the positive narratives of being queer, something that too often we overlook as we still have many struggles and discrimination that we must focus on. The book and film contains answers from a diverse group of queer Canadians to the question, “what do you love about being queer?” The first time that I read the book was in a café in Halifax right after I bought it, my partner and I started reading and blew through the book within half an hour. I’m not a big public crier, but there was no way I could hold back the tears while reading this book, not because it’s sad but because it was so incredibly moving to see so many people celebrating being queer and it was content that I, like the author, can attest to having needed so many times before in my life. So being able to share this message and film with the StFX queer community and allies at the screening was really special for me, and to have the incredible panel of queer professors and community members was so refreshing and fascinating. Even at StFX, the queer community proves to be more diverse than you might think.

 But, I think my all-time favorite Pride Month event has to be Priscilla. I know I sing its praise every year but it’s true when Dr. Frazer says that it’s the best drag show east of Montreal and it is just such an engaging and wildly fun event every single year. We’ve already sold over a third of tickets for this year’s Priscilla, so if you want to make it to the show this year (and trust me, YOU DO) you’re going to want to snag a ticket ASAP! They are being sold in the third floor SUB Lobby 9am-3pm, Monday-Friday until Feb 1st!

AS: Pride month is, obviously, just one month. What suggestions do you have to help the StFX community celebrate pride all year round?

BO: There are lots of events that folks can go to celebrate pride all year round! My office and X-Pride organize events every month, like the X Pride Coffeehouses and Spill the Tea sessions! X Pride coffeehouses happen at the Tall and Small café and are a chance for folks to perform music, spoken word, whatever they want, Sadie Goering organizes those so if anyone ever wants to perform, they can contact them to get involved! Spill the Tea sessions happen monthly which I organize with X Pride, it’s an informal discussion group and we pick a topic each month, like coming out or gender identity, and just talk it out with each other. I run an annual lecture series: The Gender and Sexual Diversity lecture series, so there will be talks monthly for the rest of the year that folks can attend! February 26th, spoken word artist, Kavi Ade, will be performing on campus! X Pride releases a calendar of events each term, so if you want to stay up to date on ways to celebrate pride year-round, definitely get involved with them or join the Facebook group “X-Pride 2018-2019” to stay in the loop!

AS: Evidently, representation is really important - do you have any thoughts on what needs to be done to ensure that the queer community is fairly represented by student government?

BO: I believe there is a possibility that an LGBTQ+ Representative will be added to Council this upcoming academic year, although I’m not 100% sure, and I think that that would help to ensure the queer community is fairly represented by student government. We’ve been lucky the past two years to have a union that was fairly educated and cared about issues of equity, at least with regards to the LGBTQ+ community, and so I hope to see the same in coming years. I think that having members of student government complete training around LGBTQ+ issues and gender inclusivity is a fantastic way to move towards being more aware of how decisions may impact LGBTQ+ students, so I would certainly recommend members of student government to seek out Positive Space training and similar programs to stay informed.

Pride Week Editorial: why we made this issue

Since the early 2000s, the Xav has published an annual Pride Issue in partnership with the LGBTQ+ community on campus.

This year, after a week filled with hate and discrimination toward women, immigrants and refugees, we, The Xaverian Weekly and the StFX X-Pride Society, are prouder than ever to publish and disseminate our celebration of the queer community at StFX.

We are witnessing a wave of increasing intolerance for those who do not fit according to established norms and binaries. In response, it is our hope that this issue will contribute to denormalizing heteronormativity and dispelling myths that only serve to alienate LGBTQ+ folks.

These sixteen pages feature an array of diverse content produced by individuals of equally diverse sexual identities. From LGBTQ+ research on campus to media misrepresentation, our writers and contributors draw attention to often untold stories worth our attention and others that warrant our agitation. We’ve done our best to seek out individuals who can speak from their own experience to ensure that our issue is as honest and as accurate as possible.

Inside, you’ll also find a copy of the schedule for Pride Week. We ask that you please consider taking time out of your busy day to come out and attend an event in support of the X-Pride Society and the LGBTQ+ community as a whole. Allyship is a noun that does not always manifest itself in an active form: it’s not enough to simply declare one’s allyship, as though saying a thing out loud automatically makes it true. Allyship can only be demonstrated through action, and Pride Week is arguably the best time to take that first, twentieth, or umpteenth step.

It can be easy to lull ourselves into a false sense of security thinking that Canada is the great progressive defender of equality – after all, we were one of the first countries in the world to legalize same-sex marriage back in 2005, plus we have a handsome, dancing-in-the-streets-at-Pride-parades prime minister to boot, right? Yet appearances can be deceiving: discrimination is still at large within our borders, and even right here at home in the Little Vatican.

Hate crimes happen in Antigonish and they happen at StFX. It is more necessary than ever to work together to end all stereotypes and forms of oppression, including but not limited to those pertaining to the LGBTQ+ community. It may be 2017, but we still have a long way to go.

Read this issue. Go to Pride Week. There’s a lot more that can be said, but if there’s one bottom line to be drawn, it’s that we all want and deserve to experience love. And that’s certainly something worth celebrating.

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